"It was, I thought, a form of self-abuse. She simply would not allow there to be any peace in her life. If there was a lull in the drama, she would create something new upon which to fixate."

I don't know why some are adamant about lamenting on the past as if it's something that needs to be repeatedly revisited. Though I think it's safe to assume that the lessons from the past haven't been learned yet.

It's peculiar to me because I don't like thinking of the past. The past is where it belongs and bringing it to the present (even if it's to figure out the present) isn't how I handle things because in fact I don't know how to deal with heavy things.

When I can't deal with something emotionally-ridden I don't deal with it at all. In actuality I don't want it to register, I don't want to process it, I just want to move on from it. I don't know if it's healthy, but I just want to kick dirt and leave it in the past, allow it to scar.

But if you can't be where you are now if you don't know your past, then where does that leave me? I've lived my past, I understand the lessons that were to be learned, I think I see the mistakes and what to avoid, I see how it's changed me into the person I am today.

Of course I view the past as derogatory and filled to the brim with negatory instances, so why should I continue to revisit it?

And I'm not too keen on the idea of looking towards the future. The prospect of the future is exciting, yes, with its seemingly endless possibilities and insatiable hope, but honestly the future freaks me out. I don't even like thinking about tomorrow. I not only like to live in the now, I need to live in the now. I want to forget the past, keep the good lessons (that were learned the hard way) and live right now.

I know my current purpose, I know what I'm doing now. Don't ask me about tomorrow, don't ask where I think I'll be in five/ten years from now - you don't know and I don't know. I could certainly tell you where I'd like to be but I'm scared to tell you because I'm a dreamer and people don't take too kindly to whimsical dreams these days. There are too many realists out there. It's not that I feel they'll crush my dreams. My dreams are solid. And that's just it. I've had this dream for many years and I've only tiptoed into even getting close to grasping it. If that makes any kind of sense.

"There was never a sense of closer. Rather, the same questions were asked time after time, with the same answers being given and no progress ever made...Perhaps she needed to live the present rather than constantly analyze the past."