I wish I could be more giving.

Relationships are based on the principle of give and take. It's a normal socially established unwritten agreement in relationships. Give and take a little. I wish I could do that for my bestest. She always talks, I always listen. I wish I could formulate my feelings into words better, if at all. I don't know if it would change things, but sometimes I can feel my bestest shouting at me through the silence - my silence. Why can't I be like my bestest - a sesspool of emotion that's readily available and easily conveyed, usually carelessly, without filter? Or maybe it's always filtered in its ease. Is it thoughtless? When emotions are put into words, are they so difficult in trying to make sense of that that's exactly what becomes of them - thoughtless? Are they just lost in translation? How can anyone express how they feel. I don't believe it's possible.

Lackdaisical. That means without interest or determination.

I don't think I could do it even if I could. I think I can't because it'll make me feel self conscious. And I don't like to be judged. Most likely because I've heard those judgments and I didn't like listening to them. They made me feel self conscious and as if I can't do anything, let alone doing anything right.

I don't like authoritative figures who think they are so. How can they claim to be the expert? There are so many people who are embarassingly more knowledgeable than them. Why do we get stuck with the know-nothings? I like to think the know-everything's are tucked inside their cocoons, gaining more knowledge so they couldn't have the time to bother with us. And so we are left with the buzzards who have the nerve to pick at us because they have nothing better to do.

Maybe that's why I struggle in church. I thought about this the last time I was there. It was new year resolution themed and I couldn't help to be cynical to what this young pastor was trying to say. I wasn't trying to be cynical for the sake of being cynical. It's just how my feelings formed. I couldn't believe in anything he was saying. It sounded like he was preaching, in a derogatory sense. He scraped the surface of how we act in church and how we act behind closed doors. He insinuated that they are two completely different people. Which I know is the truth. I didn't have a problem with that. I had a problem that it was coming out of his mouth. What about you? How do I know that you're not an evil bastard to the people in your world? How do I know that you don't think bad thoughts about people out of simple rage and frustration for everyday, mundane irritants? How could I try to be a better person if I don't know that you could be? Aren't you wearing a mask, just like the rest of us? But you have more nerve because you're standing on stage with a spotlight on you, telling me to stop being who I am. You don't know if I can't help it or not.

I didn't feel accusatory when I thought all of this in church. They were just thoughts, not raised by frustration or any other hot-tempered emotion. They were simply thoughts. I wondered if I was being agnostic. I agree that human knowledge is greatly based on experience. I like believing in God. I like believing that he loves me and that in return I should love him back. That's an earthly human relationship based unwritten agreement.

I just don't like being told that I need to work on myself. I already know that. I don't like being told things that I already know.

I grew up in Catholic schools. Memorized the prayers, took Communion. I loved God. I believed in him. I trusted him. I didn't know it back then, but I honestly did. I lost faith during the time I was to be Confirmed. Before the big dog and pony show, our confirmation group went on a retreat to the mountains in Idlywild. One of our exercises was to take a pen and paper and find a quiet spot in the woods. Put pen to paper and see what would come of it. I cried cause it felt like God was writing a letter to me, through me.

You lost faith in me, but now you're trying to regain that love back. I know there was a point in time when you thought I didn't love you anymore because of all those hard times you went through. You thought how could you love me if I don't love you. We both were sad that you felt that way.

No matter what happens to you, no matter how much people make you angry or cry, when you feel alone in the world and that nobody loves you or understands you, you must remember that Everyone loves you and Cares for you and wishes they can make you smile again. And it is so because it is true.

Everything around you, all the beauty that you see - the cool breeze, those flowers you love, the warm sun - is from me to you. It is my gift to my child.

What is my plan for you. No one knows yet. You need to. You need answers to questions that you don't even know what to ask. By this time, you've come together that everything that has happened to you so far is a lesson. A lesson in which you will learn when you are ready to comprehend. WHEN will you be ready you ask? When you've figured out who the real You is. When you've learned to enjoy and appreciate everything that comes upon your path. When you learn to love and forgive.

Remember when you cried, you suddenly stopped? It was I who wiped away your tears to make you happy again. Remember right after when you'd think of your good memories? That was you when you learned to love and forgive.

While you're sitting on the earth's ground at this moment, you're looking at all those ants and bugs flying around you. You're a bit nervous they might bite you or bother you. Child, I won't let them hurt you. Everything that you thought has hurt you only made you stronger.

I wish I could have stored this letter in my memory so that I could remember its words when I needed them the most. I wrote it in cursive. I haven't written in cursive since.

That's what I love about religion. I wish I could write letters to God. Write to him like he's an old friend who lives on another continent. I want more than prayers. I use prayers to thank him for the good things that happen to me. I always forget to actually talk to him, to have conversations. That's what I want. If I had kept him close to me during the times I was falling apart...I don't know...but I think it would've done something, made some sort of a difference.

I wouldn't have felt so alone. So unloved.

I wish I could show my loved ones the letter. But I'm afraid to share anything with them. I wish I wasn't so scared of them. I hate their judgments that I don't like sharing anything with them. When I'm around them I go on auto-pilot. I play the care-free, laugh at everything version of myself. I wear that mask.

I love how having a religion helps in practicing to make life better. But I don't like it when it cuts down people. I don't like listening to that in church. I don't like how people talk about it in church, walk out still talking, and not listen to the words they're saying. Everything was a waste, taken into complete disregard. I don't like when people use religion as a crutch. "I'm a bad person, but I go to church...I'm working on it." I don't believe in that. It's like New Years Resolutions. I don't like unbroken promises that were broken when they were made. I don't like lies. Especially if you can help it.

I love religion's aspect of having a trusting relationship with God. You may struggle with it, like a human relationship, but it's better than an earthly one because if you're having a tiff with him, he's always there waiting for you, willing to forgive you. I love that it's the only trusting relationship because it's the only reliable one in my life - for my entire life. He can't wait for you to turn your back around and love him again. I just really don't like it when pastor's say "but these people aren't working hard enough in their relationship with God. They're not doing it right, not living the right life." What does that even mean? Living the right life? We can only work with what we have. I don't like it when they talk down on people's lifestyles. I believe in learning from your own mistakes and you can't get help unless you want to help yourself. Does that make me agnostic?

I don't like it when they say you need to stop the bad you're doing right now and change your life. It doesn't work like that. Realistically, it doesn't. Or at least it's extremely difficult.

I don't like it when people claim they've changed when they haven't behind closed doors. I don't believe them when they say they're good people now. I have no proof. Like Johnny Cash says: sooner or later God'll cut you down. You can run on for a long time. What was done in the dark will be brought to the light.